cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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