Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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