The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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