I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
