Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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