just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
