My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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