I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
YAS. BRING CRAB.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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