You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
