there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
