ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
