I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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