respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
