I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Randomize
