This dress was meant to end up on your floor
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
