Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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