I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
