Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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