Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
