Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
