I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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