If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
