woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
