I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
This house was built for laser tag.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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