trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
