I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
