his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
