After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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