I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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