ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
