I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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