there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
