I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
