If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
