I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
