I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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