The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The best revenge is premature balding
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
