theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
