mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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