The best revenge is premature balding
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
