I like to think it a success when the cops are called
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
