Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
