i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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