How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
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Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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