he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
