Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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