I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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