nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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