You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
