I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
