Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
