I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
