cat food counts as protein by the way
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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