You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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