I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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