did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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