i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
